This is Why You’re Going to Fail. Again.

The year I broke $500k in my business was also the year I tipped the scales at 110kgs (242 pounds).

I was killing it business-wise – so why wasn’t the immense discipline it took to build a business transferring to my body?

What’s your goal for this year?

Make more money? Start a business? Lose weight? Quit your job? Have the relationship you’ve always wanted?

According to the University of Scranton’s Journal of Clinical Psychology (1) – only 8% of people actually achieve their resolutions.

I know. You’ve heard that number before.

And like me, you’ve read all of those articles that scream that it’s because you’re not committed enough. Not disciplined enough. You don’t want it enough.

The answer is simple. You’re just lazy.

But hold on a second.

I was working upwards of 90 hours a week. Every day I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do things I didn’t like – but that I knew I needed to get better at to be successful.

I was running 10km two or three times a week.

Lazy? Not a word that exists in my vocabulary.

And I’m guessing it’s not in yours, either. You work your ass off. So why aren’t you getting the results you feel like you should be seeing?

If you’re like 50% of people, you’ll answer that question with …

“Well, yeah, I’m working – but I’m not doing it well enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough. I don’t work hard enough. I’m not pretty enough. I don’t really deserve it.”

And you see …

That’s exactly the reason you’re not there yet …

What’s my Schema?

I was first introduced to the concept of maladaptive schemas by a cognitive therapist. I immediately realised that the concept was gold and that my clients needed this information.

“Schema” literally means “Framework”. So a maladaptive schema is a dysfunctional framework you’ve developed to adapt to the world around you. Typically these are based in childhood experiences.

Everyone has maladaptive schemas. It’s part of being human. Typically you’ll find that out of the major five you have two – maybe three. It’s very, very rare that anyone has all five.

Schemas will come up for you on a regular basis – but most particularly, they’re the thing that will hold you back from achieving your highest potential.

They tend to manifest when you’re faced with new choices, with big decisions – when opportunities present themselves. If you’ve ever found yourself procrastinating around something that you know would have a huge positive impact on your life, then you’ve experienced schemas in action.

They’re responsible for that promotion you ran away from; for the business opportunity you didn’t take; for the time you didn’t speak up when you should have; for the one that got away.

What I like about the Schema framework is this – while it is absolutely rooted in your childhood, it’s not necessary to remember, discuss or analyse any of these things. You don’t need to remember the first time you felt it. You just need to know that you do feel it.

It’s an intensely practical format – no navel-gazing necessary!

The Five Schemas

As laid out by the creator of Schema Therapy, Jeffrey Young (2):

• Disconnection and Rejection: The expectation that one’s needs for security, safety, stability, nurturance, empathy, sharing of feelings, acceptance, and respect will not be met in a predictable manner. Typical family origin is detached, cold, rejecting, withholding, lonely, explosive, unpredictable, or abusive.)

• Impaired Autonomy and Performance: Expectations about oneself and the environment that interfere with one’s perceived ability to separate, survive, function independently, or perform successfully.

• Impaired Limits: Deficiency in internal limits, responsibility to others, or long-term goal orientation. Leads to difficulty respecting the rights of others, cooperating with others, making commitments, or setting and meeting realistic personal goals.

• Other-Directedness: An excessive focus on the desires, feelings, and responses of others, at the expense of one’s own needs in order to gain love and approval, maintain one’s sense of connection, or avoid retaliation. Usually involves suppression and lack of awareness regarding one’s own anger and natural inclinations.

• Overvigilance and Inhibition: Excessive emphasis on suppressing one’s spontaneous feelings, impulses, and choices or on meeting rigid, internalized rules and expectations about performance and ethical behavior, often at the expense of happiness, self-expression, relaxation, close relationships, or health.

When I began rolling this out – first with my staff and then with my clients, the results were phenomenal.

Just understanding the framework made a huge difference. This is, hands down, the single strongest framework I’ve ever encountered for those of you who have to deal with other people.

It explains why clients don’t do the work. It explains why people DO the work, make a lot of money and then re-neg on their agreements with you. It explains why people yell at you on the internet.

And when you’re working with people in a coaching capacity and THEY understand it too, it gives you a really great shared frame of reference that allows you to work with them through their problems.

In our experiments within our community, we’ve found that just understanding that you’re running a schema is about 75% of the battle. Being able to say,

“I weigh 110kgs. I need to lose weight. What schema does this bring up for me? Well – my disconnection and rejection schema fears that if I do lose weight, people will still not like me. I’m attempting to control the conversation by controlling the way people think about me. ”

In itself gives you an understanding that allows you to make better choices.

What about the other 25%?

The other 25% is – of course! – crucial. Which is why I developed my “Surrender / Embrace” framework.

Let’s take the above statement as an example.

Control – it’s insidious. It creeps into our lives in so many different ways. We’re constantly attempting to control the way other people think and feel.

If you’ve ever dressed up to “make a good impression”, you’re attempting to control the way other people think about you.

If you’ve ever held back from doing or saying something important to you for fear of what other people would think, you’re attempting to control the way other people see you.

If you’ve ever lived your life at less than full throttle because of other people’s opinions, you’re attempting to control the people around you.

And THAT is the height of insanity.

You have no control over another person’s thoughts. Over their feelings. You can’t make anyone think or feel anything about you. That’s completely up to them.

What you do have control over is you – is living your life on your terms. Is taking responsibility for the stories you make up about other people. Is being aware that you can’t control others and honest enough to admit that’s what you’re trying to do.

Surrender Control. Embrace Responsibility.

Surrender Martyrdom. Embrace Support.

Surrender Opportunity. Embrace Creativity.

Surrender Story. Embrace Gratitude.

Surrender Excellence. Embrace Genius.

These are the keys to overcoming your Schemas.

Want More?

Profitalist will be hosting an online class about Schema Therapy on the 24th March 2015. It’ll go into more depth on Schemas and give you the opportunity to ask Leela questions, live.

You can sign up here:

https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/register/920781979501084161

Footnotes:

(1) New Years Resolution Statistics | Statistic Brain. 2015. New Years Resolution Statistics | Statistic Brain. [ONLINE] Available at:http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

(2) Jeffrey E. Young, 2006. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. 1 Edition. The Guilford Press.